Nic Cage Clip of the week#2(Kinda Late But I Do What I Want)

Instead of clips from movies, we're going to focus on something far more important. Japanese Commercials. I'm sure some of you have seen these. I'm sure some of you haven't. None of these need any explanation.

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5 And of course. The best one for last.

I don't need to say anything about this.

Either/Or: #1

The subject of todays post, and indeed the man who sparked the entire idea for Either/Or is Ulrich Haarbürste; a man who appears to be someones alter ego, but I'm having a hard time figuring out to whom he's sprung from.  Apparently, he's fooled some newspapers and zines into believing that he's a real person, but I refuse to believe anyone, even a lousy kraut would have a last name that would translate roughly to hairbrush.

None the less, Haarbürste's simple website knocks you for a loop within the first two  sentences of content;

Hello and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste, and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped in cling-film.

His stories are dream-like encounters between Haarbürste, his pet terrapin named Jetta, and Roy Orbison and an inordinate amount of cling-wrap that, through a set of means ranging from moderately irrational to ragingly psychotic, finds itself applied en mass to Orbison's body.

Every character Haarbürste writes about reminds me of Mike Myers' Sprockets persona, Dieter, only they are exceptionally emotionless and rational.

The long and short is that you can only truly get a handle on this phenomena by reading a couple of the stories. Of course, I'd recommend all of them, but it's really not necessary.

• Roy gets duped
• Save Roy's Life
• A Life and Death Affair
• A Fool's Blinded Eye
• Avante Gard

So I'm forced to leave it up to you.  Is the man behind Ulrich Haarbürste a genius, or batshit insane?

Either/Or: An Explaination

Unlike my cohort, Clownbaby, I will not start a 'weekly feature' that I have no plans to continue. Because when you promise a new Nicolas Cage clip every week, some people like me start to salivate, and it's just not nice to make them wait. And boy am I waiting...

That's why I'm not going to call this a weekly feature.  I'm just gonna go ahead and say that any time I find a prime example, I will post it under the Either/Or subject.

When you get down to the meat and potatoes, using either/or statements is a way to trap someone falsly into a strict set of options; either it sucks or it's awesome, she's hot or ugly, he's a bro or he's lame, obviously there's a continuum of emotions that fall between those designations, but you haven't been given the chance to develop those distinctions, because, well, either you'd bang her or you wouldn't.

So with my Either/Or, I'd like to take a hotly contested  determination, one that has been outlined in just under a thousand complex pages which to this day remains a controversially stratified topic, and I'd like to break it down into two breathtakingly simple choices: crazy or genius?

It's not new or dificult concept; that highly intelligent and creative people tend to stand on a precipice overlooking a canyon of intense insanity or other emotional anguish. Off the top of my head, I come up with Kurt Cobain, Brian Wilson, Syd Barret, and the guy who invented that awesome flying car from the Discovery Channel

Fucking Awesome...

I won't outwardly make a determination as to how I feel each topic scores on the crazy/not crazy scale, but I'm sure you'll be able to figure out exactly what camp I've parked my flag in after reading each entry.

Sexual Dependency

this was kind of my day. It snowed. I listened to a lot of shitty music. I looked at a lot of Nan Goldin photos.

I WILL NOT BE OUT BLOGGED!

I have found what the rest of my life will revolve around from here on out.

I need to be the operator of this machine.  I see it going something like this: I apply for an entry level position at this company, perhaps sweeping up the remains of pianos or some such nonsense, and get myself into the good graces of the owner, and then when I'm thoroughly ingratiated there, I will tell the boss that I wouldn't mind locking up, you know? I'd grin a friendly grin and say something like, "hey Tom, I bet your kids miss you, why don't you surprise them and the Misses by going home early, and taking them out to The Sizzler?"

...at which point Tom would chuckle and toss a ring of keys to me and say something like, "You sure you can handle it? Just make sure you shut out the lights and turn off the shredder."

We'd both laugh and Tom would leave for a wonderful evening with his wife and kids, and that's when the hyjinx would begin.  I'd start by stalking all the people who made fun of me in high school.  I'd rig up a pulley system so I could slowly and painstakingly lower them into the shredder, followed immediately by the bill collectors who seem to always want to call me while I'm masturbating, it'd be somewhere around that point that I'd lose all interest in poetic vindication, and just start abducting random people off the street and tossing them in.  Then  I'd unceremoniously lower myself into the vat, much like the end of Terminator, and say goodbye to the cruel world that was so torturous to me.

I'd probably leave a note for Tom, telling him he was the only who ever put faith in me and that I'll see him in Hell.

No. Wire. Hangers.

I watched Mommie Dearest for the first time as an adult yesterday. Last time I watched it I was 6 or 7 years old and the only scene burned into my memory is the wire hanger scene. It used to give me nightmares because Faye Dunnaway looked like a fucking monster. Well the scene is just as scary now as it was then. Fuck. This scene is fucked up. They totally stole the Joker's look from this scene. On top of this, what they don't show you is that her brother gets out bed at the end of the scene and he's been strapped to the bed the whole time. And if i cut this clip i would've ended on the girl looking around and simply going "Jesus...Christ". Joan Crawford was a nut. Straight up silly. The clip is over nine minutes long. Watch it all. Every single second. Even tho the guy who cut this clip made it in slow motion it's still fucked.


Here we have her beating the shit out of here daughter. 2:32 MARK.


Here we have her asking her child for an ax at 3 in the morning so she can begin screaming and chopping down her rose tree.


And here is a music video of clips of the movie set to "I'm a bitch" Enjoi.

FUCK MY LIFE, ALEX.

just lost too much of my life. As of late I've been obsessed with looking at movie stills out of context and Alex's previous post has just ruined me.

A while back, when I was starting to get more and more into Stanley Kubrick as a director, I found a blog that someone wrote that pretty much helped me realize how to not be an obsessive fan.  But seriously...if you've got an hour or two and feel like delving into the psyche of a seriously obsessed and deranged person, please read it.

And if someone wouldn't mind drawing this as a tattoo flash so I can get that shit done, I'd appreciate it.  All I want is the key tag, the key and the door knob, so don't go crazy, but make it look sexy, alright? Thanks.

Shit I've Been Listening To

Towards the end of every month I'm going to start posting the albums iTunes tells me I play the most in no particular order. Here goes...

links will open in a new tab or window depending on your preferences.


Ampere - The First Five Years (Featuring Will Killingsworth of Orchid and Bucket Full of Teeth. Some nice DIY punkish hardcore.)


Cursed - Two (I heard their first record when I was around 16/17 years old and since then have consistently been saying, "This shit is so fucking heavy" with every release.)


Joy Division - Closer (in the last two or three years this album has forcefully made it's way to my top five of all time. Fuck you, I am a depressing person.)


Young Widows - Old Wounds (Everyone from Breather Resist minus the singer. Probably my favorite release of 2008. If you like The Jesus Lizard...)


Pusher - S/T (Steve Sindoni of Breather Resist fronts this short lived awesomeness with members of Lords and Coliseum.)

jerk job hand off

I only really like this because that dude looks like Chris Klein.


so, who is up for jerk-jobs in a car later?

This is the news.

I'm done with NPR, CNBC's got my undying support.

One day, we'll all be assassinated.

I love John Lennon.

This song is called This Boy, if you weren't aware.  It was written by John Lennon in the style of Smokey Robinson's Motown Doo-wop sound, and was released as the B-Side to I Want to Hold Your Hand and was also rearranged by Geore Martin for use in the movie Help! Bar-none, it's one of my top five favorite Bealtes songs, for three reasons; the harmonies are impecable, the guitar progression is deceptively simple, and the lyrics are the first step down a road that would lead John Lennon to write songs that are chauvanistic.

I know that later in life, Lennon would become an activist for peace and understanding, but have you ever heard Run For You Life? Getting Better?  True, Getting Better is claimed as a McCartney song, but Wikipedia says that Lennon wrote the lyric I used to be cruel to my woman/I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved.  I'm just saying, that's one bad ass dude.

Olga!

Olga Kurylenko's tits are really pleasant to look at.

THE END OF TIMES IS NEAR

Dildo Bike

Watch from 5:15 - 8:09 as this girls rides the dildo bike to a nasty orgy.

Okay, enough with politics.

I didn't want you guys to think I went soft, so I Google Image Searched 'fake boobs' and this was the first listing.

A momentus occasion.

I am aware that up until now this blog has been more about titties, dicks, fags and movies, but today something important happened, and I'd just like to say a short piece about it.

Today, a man who knew little of his father, lost his mother at an early age, and was raised in an environment where judgement was passed on him at every opportunity was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America. A man who had odds stacked against him based solely on race used every facility available to him, including some which were previously considered a hindrance, to lift himself to the highest echelons of power in the most powerful government that human society has known.

A group of people, one that grew on a daily basis for the last seven or so years, became increasingly bitter about a political system that seemed to have failed them.  I admit that I was part of this group.  It was the only way that we could remain sane in a world that was becoming more alien to us by the day.  We watched the news every day for a glimmer of hope, even a hint of a possible light at the end of the tunnel that took too long to come.  I personally apologize for being a part of a great divide in our nation, but I do not apologize for what that divide layed the ground work for, because as he disappears in my rear view mirror, I realize that George W. Bush was not damaging because of his incompetence; one might even make the argument that as his tenure in the White House matured, he became less paralyzingly incompetent.  As he matured, we came to see that it was more so his irresponsibility that caused the brunt of the detriment caused by his Presidency.

But today there's a reason to look upon tomorrow without assurance that it be more dismal than today; we can rest our troubles on the shoulders of a man who has promised to provide much needed relief to those of us who really need to be relieved.  He's sworn solemnly to provide The United States of America with a future that no longer manifests itself as a less desirable version of today, and for that I am grateful.

I can't help but notice how easy my smile comes today.  While this day can be considered a victory for many groups, it is more so a victory for all of us as individuals, even those of us who have yet to understand just what has transpired.  We have tumbled out of this brawl with a frightening opponent bruised but victorious, and for that, I thank you, Barack Hussein Obama.

My Chanel is Ruined

It's never too soon...

Dante's Peak vs. Volcano

I somehow got into a discussion about the similarities between Dante's Peak and Volcano and we all realized that there is a sweet sacrifice scene in both movies. Dante's Peak, Grandma jumps into the boiling lake to push the boat manually across the lake before it sinks. Bitch burns up. Volcano, Subway worker jumps into lava and throws a passed out passenger to safety. Melts starting from his feet down til there's nothing left. Connection. Sacrifices for no reason whatsoever.

Volcano: :50 second Mark point


Dante's Peak: 5:37 second Mark Point


Next Week, Deep Impact vs. Armageddon.

Blood Fart

Google image searched "severed lions head" and came across MS Paint porn.

Samples (images are large, right click and select "view image" to see full image):






http://www.mspaintporn.com

"He Fucked Your Sister In An Elevator Junior Year"

So i've been obsessing over the new Of Montreal album as of recently. I had never listened to them before but my friend jess used to and she'd always talk about them. While at work I started to look through their live videos on youtube. What The Fuck. The person who basically writes all the material is fucking brilliant. His name is Kevin Barnes and he has put together the best live show i've ever seen

Here he rides into the show on a stallion. He starts out the song by crooning"I'm so sick of suckin' the dick" and creepily pets the horse. Yes.


And here. Here he is dressed up as a minotaur or centaur or whatever the fuck it is. Half man, half horse. It's fucked up.

I Do Not Give A Shit If This Is Not Katy Perry

Because it still gets me hard.

Bear Grylls Is A Faggot

I've been watching Survivorman and Man vs Wild since they both started because my father is obsessed with them both. He on the other hand preferred Man vs Wild. For those of you that aren't familiar with the two shows Man vs Wild is hosted by Bear Grylls, a Uk Special forces officer and Survivor man is hosted by Les Stroud(way cooler name. Not as faggoty). The two shows share the same concept. A man puts him self in an enviroment(desert, rain forest, artic, etc.) he is unfamiliar with and shows you how you would survive if you we stuck in that area with little or no supplies. Here's the fucking difference. As my dad watched Man vs Wild he would always comment on how crazy the Bear Grylls was because he's eating an eyeball or someshit and during one of the episodes I realized that he had to of had a huge ass camera crew with him. My dad kept saying, "Bullshit. He's alone". Impossible considering you have him walking up a mountain and the camera is zooming out. I begin to realize, this mother fucker probably edits all his shots so that it looks like he's doing this shit.

Example. He begins to build a hut to stay for the night. It shows him beginning work on it. Boom. Suddenly it cuts to him standing before a finished hut. Well a month or two later my dad tells me, hey you were right. He admitted that his crew helps him and that sometimes when it appears he's sleeping in a jungle overnight for example, he's actually flying to a hotel for the night. They just build the illusion that he stayed overnight.

Fuck That. Les Stroud. He is a man. He is a crazy sunuvabitch. He is completely alone when he does these trips. He carries around 70 lbs of camera equipment with him at all times. So say he wants a shot of himself walking up a mountain, he has to set the camera up on a tripod and then walk up the mountain for the shot he wants. He must then walk back turn the camera off and then do whatever it is he's going to do next. Another thing, he always makes it so that he has to stay in the enviorment for a number of days then leaves. What impresses me most about him is that sometimes it'll get so shitty in the enviorment for him that he will have a breakdown and just stop. He admits defeat and gets the fuck out. And sometimes he carries a rifle. Why cooler than eating a buffalo eye like that hack Bear Grylls does for attention. On top of all of this, filming Survivor man has put so much stress on Les' body that after season 3 he retired stating that he couldn't endure another season. I would like to salute Les Stroud for showing me how it truly would be if I were trapped in the desert with only a vehicle and a canteen of water. He's taught me so much

Here's a video of Bear Grylls being exposed as a fake. And piece of shit.


Now here's Les Stroud telling a really nice story. Because he is so personable.


And here is a video of an 8 year child hitting his face into a chair that I found while looking for survivorman clips.

1997, Here we come!

What can I say, I love to reminisce over my youth.  I remember when this video first hit the old intertubes, when it took all night to download 14 second clips of pornography and this particular flash animation was a reason to gather everyone you knew around the old CRT.  It was a simpler time, where all you needed to get a laugh on the internet was a squirell and pictures of dicks right out of Grey's Anatomy.

Victory!

This is not a fucking fail. This is a victory.

Summer

XXX

I'd make fun of this but that dude would totally kick the shit out of my drug loving ass.

What to do with newfound Star Power!

That's All.  Thanks.

Nic Cage Scene of The Week. Week 1

I've decided to post a Nic Cage clip every week so that we all may bask in the glory of who he is. And he will show us his glory. Here go.

Notice how hurt he appears when the daughter he has been longing to meet doesn't except his bunny doll at first. Brilliant.

Fact:

found this on my hard drive. May or may not be from syntheticpubes.com

Walt Nazi

I've seen American made anti-Nazi propaganda before, and I've seen German made anti-American propaganda, but this is by far my favorite.

I just find myself thinking about all the work that went into it: all those artist drawing swastika after swastika; Clarence Nash saying "heil Hitler" over and over again in the voice over booth; the creative team coming up with new and interesting ways to anthropomorphize household objects into looking like they are sieg heil-ing...must have been a pretty magical time in the old Imagineers lab...



I found this on Cracked.com, by the way.

Larry Clark

You may remember him as the director of such films as Kids, Bully, and Wassup Rockers but fuck all that! Despite not having seen any of his movies since I was in the age range of 14-16 I feel confident saying his still photography is way better. I'm a complete and utter fucking snob when it comes to photography. So much so that I loathe photography and photographers.* It takes a lot for me to be excited or even remotely interested in a photo. Larry Clark really seems to do it for me. Forget all the technical jargon you probably don't want to hear about what most people say defines a good photo. Let's talk about content. Larry Clark just seems to have this ability to document what most would view as obscene and/or offensive in such a brutally honest and matter of fact way. Nothing is ever really forced and it's as natural as if he had those eyeball cameras you talk about with your friends when you're stoned and someone puts a pair of panties on their face.


*Yeah, I hate myself.

Oh McDreamy

It's his birthday. And he's wonderful. So here's to an earth that still carries his spirit. Here's a little music video compilation I found.


Oh and since we're on the subject of Grey's Anatomy. Here's a Denny clip. Key moment: Izzy:I'll never forgive you!
Denny: For dying??

I've got to find something Kevin can't make fun of me over.

Last night I watched Stanley Kubrick's The Shining on Bravo, which, in the long run was kind of a mistake.  I mean, I can get through that movie without the swearing, but without titties? Those titties are the only thing that hold me from screaming like little twin girls in that movie.

Today, I was going to try to find a screen capture of the scene where Wendy Torrence pushed Little Danny Torrence out of the bathroom window down that awesome snow drift, and try to figure out if they used a midget stunt double or a full sized one. Instead, I found this:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

So, I hope you enjoyed. Click here for something gross, and here for something cute.

Hank, pt. 2

texts...
A: That Hank thing by the way made my fucking day.
K: Haha good! Saturday was Hank day for me. I just listened to Black Flag and Rollins Band all day.
A: Rollins band? Why would you do that to yourself.
K: Dude listen to life time.
A: I have. It's a lie. His lyrics don't work anymore. They sound weird coming out of an old man.
K: he put out life time in like '87

I'm more than positive the last time you listened to Life Time you were probably like 13. I'm sure little 13 year old Alex's head popped because at the time you totally could relate to all of Henry FUCKING Rollins' pissed-ness and now big bearded adult Alex thinks he's above that shit. Well fuck man! I'm going to redirect you and everyone that reads this shit over to:

Bad Year Media

I'm already upset about your eagerness to see a Steven Soderbergh movie and now you give me reason to doubt our special friendship building bond over MOST things(Life Time being one of them...) Henry Rollins and Black Flag.

don't make me continue to direct blog entries at you...

"I Always Knew It Would Be The Ferns"

Bored at work and decided I needed a laugh. This always works.


This is the same man who blew his brains out in "The Deer Hunter". How does this happen....Well Here's a clip of him blowing his brains out. Got bored and needed to see this as well. 6:15 MARK

RE: Rashida Jones

Dearest Phallicander,

I was both thrilled and delighted to see your previous post. It had absolutely nothing to do with any of the movies you mentioned. I looked into your cinematic excitements of 2009 and was unable to identify with your level of enthusiasm. However, you merely typing the name of Rashida Jones was enough to set my teeth on edge. I began to feel that wonderful burning sensation in my loins and thus began to masturbate to the posted photograph while at the public library. It was like being a boy again and discovering my love for the first time in her brief moments in The Love Contract sketch on Chappelle's Show.

I must agree with you, Rashida Jones is in fact a hottie. I will go as far as to say she may be entitled to being called A Stone Cold Fox. How else would the off spring of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton turn out to be? It is a shame though, I don't believe she has inherited much of the talents of her parents. Her father being a rather famous music producer behind arguably one of Michael Jackson's best albums and her mother being that woman who played that lady who ran the diner in Twin Peaks. Oh well, she sure has those looks.

I am a little disturbed by your suggestion that she may look like a hypothetical attractive mother of a friend. Rashida Jones is still a young woman and I would be rather upset to find out she had a child out of wedlock at the mere age of 16. I do believe you were mistaken by making such an outlandish suggestion.

Speaking of mothers of friends you would sleep with, I quickly ran through mental scenarios of you sleeping with all of the mothers of people in our ever-so-exclusive circle. One at a time. It was both frightening and titillating. I feel much closer to you now.

I must now move onto the reason behind this letter...

Love Always,

Kevin Joseph Convery, Esq.

P.S. I almost think less of you for saying you would see a movie based on Steven Soderbergh directing. It's 2009, Alex. Steven Soderbergh hasn't done anything good in just about a decade.

First Quarter '09: Movies that I'm Cumming in my Shorts Over

As my holiday hangover slowly starts to disipate, I've found myself with a little extra money in my pocket.  Not enough to seriously consider real money, but just enough for a movie ticket, a giant soda, and a handjob from a Malaysian hooker.

Here's my list of movies that I'm excited about in 2009, and before you judge me, just understand that I generally don't like to see good movies in the theater*; I like to see movies that will make me giggle at innapropriate times and make the other patrons in the theater uncomfortable.

*I just realized that I've been typing it as theatre which technically is correct, but makes me sound like a foppish prick.

I'll stick to one movie per month, as I know you fucker's don't like seeing a lot of words.

• Jan: Che: Part Two

This one technically was limited release in '08 but IMDB claims it's USA official releas is January 24th.  This movie's got a lot going for it, namely Steven Soderbergh and Benicio Del Toro.  When I was growing up, I thought that Che Guevara was for the legalization of pot, because I knew a lot of stoners who wore his face on their shirt.  Turns out that wasn't the case, and ever since I saw The Motorcyle Diaries, I've harbored a new found interest in South American political strife and, strangely, bad ass Latin men, and having Benecio Del Toro playing Ernesto "Che" Guevara, you've practically got badass Latin².

Honorable mention: Notorious, My Bloody Valentine 3D

• Feb: Assassination of a High School President
  

This movie to me seems like it will either be a landmark movie or a total shit sandwich.  This is director Brett Simon's first full length film, and the pair of shorts he has under his belt, pun very much intended, are ambitious if not a little bit of a let down.  Basically this movie's an excuse to get young kids portraying high school students to take their clothes off in a dramatic environment. There's also some kind of SAT conspiracy underpinning the whole thing. Oh, and Bruce and Rumer Willis are both some how attatched to it.

Honorable Mention: Coraline

• Mar: Tie:I Love You, Man/This Side of the Truth
  

In I Love You, Man, Paul Rudd plays a guy staring down the barrel of married life and is in a search for a best friend to be his best man.  He meets Jason Segel and his new friendship puts a strain on his relationship.  Plot, in this particular movie isn't really important; the two things that are important?  Rudd and Segel are fucking hilarious, and...

Wow...she's a hottie. I mean, I know she kinda looks like she could be your friends mom, but I've wanted to fuck my friends mom before too.

This Side of the Truth, on the other hand, is Ricky Gervaises new film where he plays a man who, in a world where lies have never been told, becomes the greatest living writer by exploiting his ability to lie.  It kind of sounds to me like Yes Man in reverse, and if they wanted it to be funny.  It's also got a pretty awesome looking cast and is narrated by fucking Patrick Stewart.  Next to David Attenborough, there's really no greater narrator alive.

Honorable Mention:  Watchmen

• Apr: Dragonball Evolution
  

With Justin Chatwin; the toolbag who plays the douchebag in Chumscrubber, playing Goku under James Wong's; mastermind behind Final destination, direction, this movie is almost garaunteed to be a totally embarassing pile of shit, that will in turn be pretty fucking awesome to watch on opening night.  You know for a fact that the audience will break down in a very interesting way.  Here's what I think it'll look like.

• 32%: Fanboys coming by themselves because they don't interact anywhere other than the intertubes.
  
• 33%: Large groups of roving teen boys who will be awestruck by the movie
  
• 33%: Frat boys who are really just repressed fanboys who learned to drink heavily in college
• 2%: Assholes like me who just want to laugh at what was supposed to be a serious movie that quickly degraded into a quick way to make money off of devoted fanboys.

Honorable Mention: Observe and Report

ONLY STONE AND STEEL ACCEPT MY LOVE

I'm somewhat flabbergasted that 'video premieres' still happen. I may be going out on a limb by saying I think here in the United States the music video is kinda becoming a dead format. Unless I'm just old now or something and not hip to new means of seeing these new videos. There is always youtube but what fun is searching? Through out the 90s as a kid I think I lived for 120 minutes and other music video oriented shows as a means of discovering new music acts or seeing old favorites. Now you're lucky if at 3 AM you catch a half hour block of videos between The Hills and Mom and Dad, I'm Fucking*.

Last night on Channel 4 in the UK they premiered the new Morrissey video for "I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris." Now, I've embedded this video for your consideration.
Morrissey - I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris


Before we talk about this video there is one thing you need to know: I love Steven Patrick Morrissey more than I've ever loved another man. Also, I do prefer The Smiths.

Now when Moz made his come back a few years ago with You Are the Quarry everyone kinda lost their shit about just how fucking handsome he is. "Oh shit, did you see the cover? He's aged really well. Dude looks great for his forties and he's holding a fucking Thompson. His suit is kinda shiny but rather nice. Oh, the record is actually really good." That has pretty much been the status quo on Morrissey since 2004. Since then he's released a few noteworthy records(AHEM) a couple dvds and everything as been fine.

I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris may be case in point that Moz is losing it. This is sad but in fact true. Did you see his face? He'll be 50 years old this year and somehow between ages 47 and 49 his face and body aged like 20 extra years. Also, I'm confident in saying I think he's wearing some kinda strange eye shadow that is not at all complimentary. He is mostly just standing around with a microphone with a few moments of his from-the-heart arm gestures. I mean he does play with a tamborine and some small dog so I guess that counts as a performance. I mean fuck, You're weird backing band did more than you. The least you could do is give everyone the typical huge ego they seem to love. How am I suppose to care MOZ, when you release this awesome fucking record cover then come at me with this lackluster music video? Did I mention the song comes fairly close to sucking? I suppose this is what it felt like in the late 90s when he started to suck then too.



*have you seen that show on MTV with the kids telling their parents that they've fucked all over the house and shit? Awesome.

may or may not be under the influence of illicit street drugs


ah, no homo.

I Guess She Should've Kept Her Mouth Shut

So I watched "What's Love Got To Do With It" last eek and I have to say that movie blew my fucking mind. It's a hour and a half of Tina Turner taking shit from Ike Turner and getting beat. He even raped her. And she's his wife.


It starts with her just givin' him lip and the first hit comes at about 1:12 point but it gets real good at 1:24.

I Love You Jean-Claude.

Holy. Fuckin. Shit.

A Real Man Can Let The Tears Flow

So Philip Seymour Hoffman makes me hard ever time he yells at someone. But he also cries better than anyone in hollywood. So I thought. Eric Roberts cries just as good as the rest of them and I hold the proof.

Hi kids, I'm going to melt your brains.

This guy? His names Vince Offer. You might remember him from the ShamWOW infomercial.

Here's where your face starts to get warm. He is suing The Church of Scientology for sabotaging his business endeavors. He's also attempted to sue the Farrelly brothers for theft of intellectual property.

Your face is starting to blister, and your brain is starting to smoke, isn't it?

If your anything like me, you think it would be a great idea to give Peyton Manning a sitcom, and you think the ShamWOW guy is the most engaging personality to walk the Earth since fucking Jesus killed off all the dinosaurs. You'd like nothing more than to hang out with him and bankroll him to make major Hollywood movies. Well guess what, motherfucker: Vince Offer also wrote, directed, and starred in Underground Comedy Movie.

You hear that sound? That's the sound of your brain popping.

I also write over here.

Hank

Hello