Kids with Guns

As I get older, and my conscience develops a bit more, I find stuff like this less funny, and more concerning.

I'm not saying it's not funny to see a kid doped up on pain killers and probably general or local anaesthesia, because that is hilarious.  This kid is bonked out of his mind, and saying really funny things. ("Is this real life?", Yes David, and it's going to continue to suck until you find more of the weird gas that the doctor let you smell...)  As I get older, what bothers me more is the periphery. Why doesn't his dad seem to be concerned? Why's he goading him on? Why's a six or seven year old getting oral surgery?

Here's a little test to see if you're getting old, like me.

1. You just watched Knocked Up, starring Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl, produced by Judd Appatow. Which of these most closely resembles your current state:

• A: That was fucking hilarious, and we're out of pot.
• B: Oh my god, my sides hurt, that Jonah Hill is going to be the next Sam Kinnison/Chris Farley
• C: That was cute, I bet Seth Rogen would make a great dad.

2. Your room mates are going out to the bar, because it's someone's birthday, unfortunately it's a work night, and you've got a long day ahead of you.  You say, 

• A: "Let's get going, I've got some getting fucked up to do."
• B: "If you buy the first round, I'll come, but only for a while"
• C: "Goodnight, kids."

3. The dishes are piling up, the fridge is leaking some kind of vile liquid, the bathroom hasn't been cleaned, in earnest, since August, you've got at least four loads of laundry to do, you can't find your garbage can under the pile of trash next to your desk and you've got an afternoon off you...

• A: Watch all three Back to the Future movies and then probably Ghost Busters 1 & 2
• B: Watch all three Jurasic Park movies while getting less then half of your chores done, and still feel accomplished
• C: Begrudgingly do all of your work, and then snap on the next person you see.

4. You just woke up on a work day.  It's 6:50, you've got to be out of the house by 7:50. You:

• A: Surf porn on the internet, watch a YouTube video, leave at 7:49 and still get to work 15 minutes late.
• B: Check your email, brush your teeth and leave with almost enough time to stop and get a fast food breakfast on the way to work. You're still five minutes late.
• C: Take a shower, brush your teeth, eat a bowl of cereal, take a mulit-vitamin, and surf internet porn.

5. You have $40.00 in your wallet, you're starving. You...

• A: Get Chinese take out - $10. Four nights in a row.
• B: Get a pizza delivered - $20. Feed yourself for dinner, and breakfast and lunch the next day.
• C: Go to the grocery store, spend $38 dollars on groceries, feed yourself for a week, even though that means eating boring microwave soup for dinner four nights in a row

An A answer is 1 point, a B answer is 3 points, a C is 5 points.

• 1-8 Points: Did you graduate high school? Or were they just sick of looking at you.  Now would not be a good time to start a family or try to get a job, I mean, unless you like being laughed at a failing.
• 9-17 Points: Your parents are so proud of you, unfortunately everyone else couldn't give a shit.
• 18-25 Points: Your life is over, you suck, and you're boring.  Start buying stock in Centrum Silver, old man/woman.
  

So yeah, life, in general, no matter how youthfully carefree or mature and actualized, is kind of a bum deal.

I WILL NOT BE OUT BLOGGED!

I have found what the rest of my life will revolve around from here on out.

I need to be the operator of this machine.  I see it going something like this: I apply for an entry level position at this company, perhaps sweeping up the remains of pianos or some such nonsense, and get myself into the good graces of the owner, and then when I'm thoroughly ingratiated there, I will tell the boss that I wouldn't mind locking up, you know? I'd grin a friendly grin and say something like, "hey Tom, I bet your kids miss you, why don't you surprise them and the Misses by going home early, and taking them out to The Sizzler?"

...at which point Tom would chuckle and toss a ring of keys to me and say something like, "You sure you can handle it? Just make sure you shut out the lights and turn off the shredder."

We'd both laugh and Tom would leave for a wonderful evening with his wife and kids, and that's when the hyjinx would begin.  I'd start by stalking all the people who made fun of me in high school.  I'd rig up a pulley system so I could slowly and painstakingly lower them into the shredder, followed immediately by the bill collectors who seem to always want to call me while I'm masturbating, it'd be somewhere around that point that I'd lose all interest in poetic vindication, and just start abducting random people off the street and tossing them in.  Then  I'd unceremoniously lower myself into the vat, much like the end of Terminator, and say goodbye to the cruel world that was so torturous to me.

I'd probably leave a note for Tom, telling him he was the only who ever put faith in me and that I'll see him in Hell.

Larry Clark

You may remember him as the director of such films as Kids, Bully, and Wassup Rockers but fuck all that! Despite not having seen any of his movies since I was in the age range of 14-16 I feel confident saying his still photography is way better. I'm a complete and utter fucking snob when it comes to photography. So much so that I loathe photography and photographers.* It takes a lot for me to be excited or even remotely interested in a photo. Larry Clark really seems to do it for me. Forget all the technical jargon you probably don't want to hear about what most people say defines a good photo. Let's talk about content. Larry Clark just seems to have this ability to document what most would view as obscene and/or offensive in such a brutally honest and matter of fact way. Nothing is ever really forced and it's as natural as if he had those eyeball cameras you talk about with your friends when you're stoned and someone puts a pair of panties on their face.


*Yeah, I hate myself.