Fag-eater

Happy Memorial Day From Hayley...and Myself

2010-05-30T17:42:00.000-04:00

Speechless....

Toshio Saeki

2010-03-30T15:01:00.001-04:00

Oh hey

2010-03-30T14:04:00.000-04:00

I'm Back....Tell Me Where My Friends Are!!

2010-03-30T12:23:00.002-04:00

So it's been awhile but I think it's time to start posting again. I now have more free time and internet access so I'm going to be back posting stupid shit. Let's begin. "Lost" is coming to an end soon and I can't think of a better way to start posting again but with a montage of Jack screaming. (Quote to look for at the 1:43 mark "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE RUNNING FROM!") More to come.

Things(like this blog) fall apart. People(like authors of this blog) start masturbating a lot.

2010-01-20T19:14:00.002-05:00

I wish I could tell you all of our new years resolutions involved regularly posting on this blog again but that would be a lie. Some of us are in deep with the sharks, some of us are getting locked into drug collections, some of us are being responsible and becoming teachers, but ALL of us just don't care.

The Boy From Pennsyltucky.

2009-11-27T19:08:00.003-05:00

Often times, I find myself under the influence of marrjuana with a pen in my hand writing furiously until I've sobered up. I'll usually reread this work shortly after completing it, to find it hilarious and poignant. Generally the next day, the reality sets in, what I wrote about is technically proficient, creatively astounding, but the content is generally too nuanced to be appealing. On the other hand, when I write sober, excluding extremely rare cases, I find my work to be boring, much like the work of a draftsman. The elements are there, but lacking any kind of freedom. So today's experiment will go as such: I have an idea in my head; I've never been in a relationship during the Holidays.I've never kissed much more than a stranger on New Years Eve, and my birthday has always been without embrace. So as of right at this moment, 5:32PM on November 27, 2009, I am sober, and besides a little bit of heartburn, in relatively positive spirits. At this point, I will set down the computer, light up a joint, and see where I can take this concept, forged in sobriety, and hopefully tempererd with an enlightened mind.

It is now 6:54, and as I had taken into account this posibility, I had assumed my awareness of this possibility would have made it moot. Unfortunately I was wrong. I was quickly sidetracked by my incessant hunger. I decided that a gourmet cheeseburger was the solution to my immediate ill, and ignored my obligation. So now, I'm home from the bar, half soused, all the way high. Because of the duration of my tryst from duty, I had to re-up my motivation. So I'm now beyond effected by the whimsy that is the mind under the influence of THC.

Home, hours after one should have been working, high as a skyhook, filled with fried quale egg and garlic mayo topped burger, watching Gremlins 2; that is my only reality now.

As for the thought experiment...enough data has been collected to make a hypothesis, there is not enough experimentation to compose a theory.

I've been lapse.

2009-11-23T22:19:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I've been reading a lot of Hunter Thompson recently, listening to a lot of The Might Be Giants and Tom Waits, and also acting very much my age, which I had been avoiding like the plague for the last 12 months.

That, combined with a few perspective changing moments has exuded itself in my psyche as a fictional account of our early Thanksgiving celebration of last night. I'd like to present to you, my accounting of: Obscene Porcine*

*I apologize for the wall of text, but it's been an acting my age kind of night.

She'd spent the whole night puking and shitting that putrid porcine virus all about the third story half bathroom in our rented row home in South Philadelphia.It'd been Orphan Thanksgiving around the Jury Box, and the twelve very angry people enjoyed a secretly bitter cornucopia. When it came time to cut the bird, no earlier than 10 PM, because God Damned Jonny had decided to slow cook the bird at a temperature slightly warmer than an hour old turd. This is of no concequence, though, because the culprit was clear. That low down H1N1 had struck the first of us. We neglected piles of tissues on the table, ignored the sneezing chef. We'd turned a blind eye to what was obviously the Genesis of the Zombie Holocaust. There's got to be a latent connection between how we view zombies and how we view flu sufferers. We implore them to leave us be, we ignore the symptoms of the obviously infected until it's just too late, and then we eventually emerge from the terror in a world that will never be the same. Ignorant of that impending situation, we carried on our merriment as if we preferred to be culled. We wanted to absorb the beautiful glory of catching the virus of the century. We wanted it like designer luggage and self-actualization. But now we've learned the folly of our ways. Here we all sit, taking shifts, five minute rotations on the two taxed and frustrated toilet bowls in our home. They are so unhappy with their collective station in life; they understand their destiny and accept it as the signal that the end of days has arrived. We attack them with fierosity as yet unknown. The world spins outside the arena, for the combatants waiting in the wings are primed for their chance to do battle. The world outside the arena is plumed in cigarette smoke and tightly clenched sphincters, but inside, the battle over takes all and the contenders fall into a lull of respect for eachother. If you squint your eyes tightly enough...it resembles a dance.

I'd Give Up Forever To Touch You

2009-10-29T20:29:00.005-04:00

Susan's Visitor

Hidden thoughts. Smooth operator.
Eye contact? I'm sorry.
No need to see us. Who we're fighting with.
Library. Out of her hands.
Maggie's visitor. Feelin' Love.
Definitely beeped. The taste of a pear.
Powerful feelings. I know you're there.
Just look at me. Serendipitous.
The gift of free will. Music unheard.
A kiss unfelt. Is this Heaven?
Inconceivable. 'Til I fall asleep(Angel)
I just knew. Jordan proposes.
Because I did it. Seth falls.
New sensations. Where's Maggie?
Hard knocks. Tahoe-bound(Iris)
We fit together. Spreading their wings.
The accident. What she liked best.
Life carries on(I Grieve)
A breath, a kiss, a touch. For the tasting.
Dedication and end credits. (Uninvited)

Yeah. Sounds like a beautiful poem, Right? Wrong. Scene index for "City of Angels" starring Nic Cage. Not the Crow sequel.(Credit to Matthew Schmid For Finding This)

Evil Michael Cera Twin?

2009-09-12T19:04:00.004-04:00

So this movie looks fantastic. The scene where he knocks over the bowl of cereal and spits on the floor made me lose my shit. That moment really reminded me of Rushmore, the way its shot and the way Michael Cera presents himself. The aviators and mustache are also a nice touch.

History Told The Right Way

2009-09-12T18:36:00.005-04:00

This is a sketch created by Derek Waters who is part of the Bob Odenkirk's Derek and Simon Webseries. Bob Odenkirk can do no wrong by me. This man is Bob Odenkirk. He is the one on the left.

You may also recognize the person on the right as David Cross from the tv series Arrested Development or you may even remember him as the Manager in the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. They both started out doing a sketch show on HBO called "Mr.Show". The wonderful thing about Bob Odenkirk is that he just directs now and finds unknown talent and has yet to let me down. Example. Tom Goes to the Mayor and Tim and Eric Awesome Show. As of recent I started watching this series called "Drunk History" which is basically, Derek Waters gets a person completely shit-faced and has them give a history lesson on a president. The brilliant part is that they have real actors reenact(Jack Black as Ben Franklin, Michael Cera as Alexander Hamilton, Danny McBride as George Washington), in full wardrobe and set design, what the drunk person is saying. There is no sound in the reenactments other than the actors lip syncing the storyteller as he/she is speaking. I've chosen the best one.

Clown baby

2009-07-20T15:56:00.004-04:00

You know how old italian women seem to shrink with age? Well, what if that happened to Fag Eater's own Clown Baby? I imagine it would look something like this image.

A Group Of People Woke Up, Got Together And Learned Different Harmonies For This Song...That's How They Spent Part Of Their Time Alive

2009-06-23T22:03:00.001-04:00

WHAT THE FUCK

MEGAN FOX'S BOX

2009-06-16T15:41:00.005-04:00

THAT IS ALL CAMEL TOE.

Explosions

2009-06-16T12:48:00.002-04:00

So I just came home with 75 million of a 200 million dollar budget and I worked pretty hard balancing bad ass fucking explosions and Megan Fox's titties so I deserve a fucking break. God my life is intense. Check out my abs. Me and Tyson are fucking chillin' in Japan. Sure, we're both pretty intense human beings and he can out bench me but my kids don't hang themselves.

Best Dude Ever

2009-06-12T14:17:00.002-04:00

Phil Spector = Bad Guy From Last Action Hero

2009-06-11T00:56:00.003-04:00

Can you imagine him jumping in the shower one morning with you. It would be fucking terrifying. Oh yeah. Totally took the picture from TMZ.

Hey, let me make you feel uncomfortable.

2009-06-07T15:59:00.001-04:00

ugghhh.

hate

2009-05-21T12:50:00.003-04:00

I hate you all and wich unhappiness upon you.

So while I'm-a-waiting for that, I listen to Sure Juror brand music and accessories.

Click that link to download my band's first two records that I had almost absolutely nothing to do with!

Matthew Barney

2009-05-14T12:10:00.003-04:00

Not sure why I was so obsessed with this when I was 17/18 but I woke up this morning with the image of climbing the Guggenheim and now I can't stop looking at the book of it.

Look into Matthew Barney (He's married to Bjork, you know...)

Ha

2009-05-13T12:01:00.001-04:00

This may or may not be the best photo I have seen in well over a month or two.

Shia Labeouf Playing A Mentally Challenged Boy Who Runs Into Issues Flying A Kite

2009-04-30T04:26:00.001-04:00

This Old Man Make Me So Happy

2009-04-22T14:52:00.001-04:00

Justine Lai

2009-04-20T10:53:00.004-04:00

Justine Lai has been working on this lovely series of oil paintings titled "Join or Die." Each painting depicts one of the presents of the United States of America fucking the artist, Justine Lai. Thus far she's up to our 18th president, Grant, spanking the shit out of her.

Jusxtapositions

2009-04-07T10:45:00.004-04:00

A while back, my Step Mother linked me to a series of photos on Facebook that someone had created, probably hoping for some sort of viral fame. Some of them were kind of funny.

They were kind of like parenting tips in the vein of Good Idea/Bad Idea from the Animaniacs. There was one that showed a woman washing a baby with a garden hose...what's so wrong with that?

This one, on the other hand, is poorly labled.

I think the best game you could possibly play with your baby is "Chess agains Morrissey".

And since I mentioned it, well, here it is.

Fuck you, vegetarians

2009-04-01T17:13:00.000-04:00

Twitter

2009-03-30T11:45:00.002-04:00

My twitter, as described by David Lee Roth: "Everybody wants some/how about you?"

We'll be back, really.

2009-03-29T19:33:00.005-04:00

take whatever you can get from this post.

You know why this blog has sucked as of the last few days?

2009-03-19T15:40:00.004-04:00

Because the Internet has been more fun than edgy as of recently, mainly because my company has set up a net nanny, which means I can't look at objectionable materiel.

So here's how I'd waste my time on the Internet if I lived in a communist dictatorship. Probably.

PopURLS: They call themselves an aggregator, but really they just list the top ten or so links from all of the big social bookmarking sites, as well as Flickr, YouTube and a bunch of news sites. Kevin turned me on to it, and it's an easy way to appear to be a master of the Internet with very little effort.

The Amazing Atheist: I don't agree with this guy on a lot of issues. In fact, just about none, but it's kind of like watching the original British version of The Office; you giggle, but you feel uncomfortable. He's loud, he swears, dresses like 1996 never ended, he's ugly, he's opinionated, and I'm pretty sure that had someone loved him a little bit more, he'd probably just end up playing a lot of Dungeons and Dragons and not ever bother anyone, but I'm glued to his YouTube chanel. Why? Because what's better to watch than a trainwreck? A trainwreck with huge ass man tits, that's what.

Facebook: I want to start out by saying this; You know what Facebook? Fuck you. You wanna know why? Fuck you again. Not good enough? Well go fuck yourself and we'll move on from that point. Why do I like Facebook? I think it has something to do with the labarynthine nature of finding people from my past that I do want to connect with by means of friending some people who I'd never wish to see again, just because I know that the people who I'd like to are probably friends with them. I like adding old friends only to send them a message saying...

"Hey man, you know how I found you? I found you because you're friends with Laurice Pollack! When did you become a douche?"

...then I cryptically update my status and tag my friends in funny pictures of cartoon stereotypesand drink scotch until I choke on my own vomit.

OneMoreLevel.com: I kind of have a soft spot for Flash games, but the big sites like AddictingGames and Newgrounds are slow and dificult to navigate. I like OneMoreLevel because the guy who runs it posts one new game every week day, and they usually are pretty fun.

F*** My Life: F*** My Life is like Twitter for anonymous losers. It's a testimonial site where you can post the lowest points of your life as they are happening, and the community can rate them as to how fucked you life is, or if you deserved it. My favorite?

Today, I heard my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend lying next to me, who must have thought I was asleep, I noticed she was masturbating. FML!

Engrish Funny!: A photoblog dedicated to the poor English translations and just general poor use of the English language used on signage around the world.

Passive Aggressive Notes: Another Photoblog dedicated to the notes that you often find posted around an office or a shared habitation. Some seriously funny shit in here.

Cracked.com: I'm not so much a fan of most Internet comedy sites, but this one is pretty good. It's written by readers, so a lot of it is rubbish and pointless time wasters, but the videos produced by one of the staff members, Michael Swaim, are usually really fucking funny.

And of course, after the NetNanny was put in place, I had to check and yes, while I can't watch a kid breaking his leg while skateboarding on Metacafe, I can still visit...

xnxx: The world greatest free porn site.

"Put The Bunny Down"

2009-03-14T17:17:00.000-04:00

Tits

2009-03-14T11:19:00.003-04:00

There haven't been too many updates lately and that's ok. Most of the authors of this blog have been spending their time outside of the internet. A majority of our time in recent weeks is devoted to getting shit faced drunk and listening to Katy Perry.

So, these are Katy Perry's tits. Exciting, I know.

I also wanted to make a quick announcement that anyone who thinks they are too fucking hip to admire Ms. Perry's tits needs to get the fuck over themselves. Why would you not want a slutty looking version of Zoe Deschanel who sings songs just as boring as Zoe Deschanel?

Suicide Bomber

2009-03-12T16:00:00.002-04:00

I saw this over at telegraph.co.uk with the caption "A bomb goes off as Sri Lankan Muslim men celebrate a religious holiday in Akuressa. A suicide bomber attacked a gathering of Muslims, killing 10 and critically wounding a government minister. "

I really can't decide if I believe this photograph is real.

Tom Hanks, Right Where He Belongs.

2009-03-05T11:14:00.000-05:00

So it's not new, but it's funny. I haven't posted in a while because the internet has been sucking a lot recently.

Modern Sleep

2009-03-02T14:25:00.003-05:00

Modern Sleep 9 - Gottfried Helnwein

Ah, well its a snow day. I'm not really getting off from anything however I will be taking full advantage by getting completely shitfaced and sledding.

Bring on the emergency room.

Years of Refusal

2009-03-01T13:13:00.003-05:00

As you may or may not have noticed every single contributor to this blog has some strange love for Morrissey.

It's important for you to know that our beloved Moz has been stricken with some faggy illness and has canceled the first few shows on his world tour in support of Years of Refusal.

This is the part of the post where I tell you that the new Morrissey album, Years of Refusal, is fairly on point and kinda builds on that rock sound he's been doing for the last record or so. I'd post a link to download but I honestly don't feel like getting the harassing emails to take it down. If you really want Years of Refusal and really don't want to pay, get in touch.

Here's to Fucked Up Youth

2009-02-28T15:17:00.006-05:00

This is the 100th post on Fageater and I am going to use it for a shameless plug. I put together a portfolio book of a somewhat recent series of images titled, "Here's to Fucked Up Youth" (Yes, that is a reference to Ceremony.) It's filled with images of naked young girls, boys, and dirty needles. If you like what I do with photography then please feel free to pick up a copy. I'm not making any money off this, fyi.

Here's to Fuck...

HERE'S TO FUCKED U...

By KEVIN CONVERY

Book Preview

This is War

2009-02-28T10:35:00.007-05:00

Hey, guess what? I'm here to bum people the fuck out.

I've had enough of this Walk Texas Ranger shit. Let's talk about images of war and human suffering. James Nachtwey is hands down the best "war photographer" since Robert Capa. The guy just has a really good knack for getting shot at. He means well and is worth every second of your time. Recommended watching: War Photographer (2001). 2001 documentary on Nachtwey. Its fairly intense. They mounted a little camera on top of his Canon EOS system as he is out in the field capturing these horrible images. Trailer:

Also:

So, who wants to be a complete dick and start a black metal band and use some of his images as album covers?

Walker Texas Ranger:How To Stop Someone Tring To Hit You With Their Car

2009-02-27T15:33:00.002-05:00

Don't Fall Asleep...Why Not?...Because I'll Probably Jack Off In Your Face.

2009-02-26T20:02:00.002-05:00

Here is also a picture of Kristen Stewart, the costar in this film. I don't know why but it really turns me on....because I love pot and skinny, pale, anorexic girls.

The 80s were way better than I can fathom

2009-02-26T15:36:00.002-05:00

Diamond David Lee Roth is one of those performers that only comes along once in a generation. With VanHalen, DLR was a consumate performer, fantastically ranged vocalist, and had a rock and roll resume that would make Tommy Lee blush. When Dave and VanHalen split, he was free to finally persue the wackiest, goofiest most childish music videos that anyone has ever seen.

Which brings me to my real point; the birth of the music video, as we know it. Every one points to old videos made by the Beatles and other rock stars under the influence of phycadellic substances, but the true innovator of music videos was a man named Mike Nesmith.

Yes, Michael Nesmith of The Monkees.

He produced a show called Television Parts back in the 80s. Back when I lived in the culturally devoid midwest, my father located a VHS of this show at the local movie store, and we watched it. Over and over again.

If you should know where I can get it on DVD, please, pleasepleaseplease, tell me.

Walker Texas Ranger:Haley Joel Osment

2009-02-26T11:15:00.002-05:00

So today's clip includes a very young Haley Joel Osment...declaring that he has AIDs. Enjoi.

That's Right...I Watch American Idol And I'm Proud Of It

2009-02-26T11:01:00.005-05:00

Truth's out. But basically there is this one contestant who dresses up into a comedic character and just acts like a complete cocksucker. I almost hate him so much that i wished he would pass on to another life but while he looks like a fool he has a fantastic voice which makes him fucking hilarious. But my hope is this. There is a Blind Guy on the show and i'm hoping that it's down to them and this douche bag takes the blind guy's dreams right from under him and making this competition look like a joke. That's all i have to say about this. I'm already embarassed enough....Go Megan Corkery....

Blind guy getting a high five from Seacrest except he can't see the high five.

This is Megan.She looks like Reese Witherspoon but not ugly. Megan gave birth to child at a very young age. I'm going to marry her so i can fuck her mouth and when she wins, i'll stay at home with the kid and she'll support the two of us. Because she loves me.

Bashed In Nazi Skulls

2009-02-25T12:38:00.002-05:00

Mel Gibson...As The Colonel...Holy...Shit

2009-02-25T12:18:00.002-05:00

Walker Texas Ranger

2009-02-25T12:03:00.002-05:00

Since I'm on the subject of Conan we should talk Walker Texas Ranger. For a while on conan they had a thing called the Walker Texas Ranger Lever and every time conan pulled it, they would show ridiculous clips of the show. It is possibly one of my favorite tv shows because it is so fucking bad its funny. I will elaborate no further. I will just show you. And in spirit of Conan and me loving Chuck Norris to death, I think I should only post clips of Walker Texas Ranger on this blog. Nothing else. Now watch Chuck kill a fucking bear.

Expect more. And this will not turn into the Nic Cage clip of the week. I will keep on this. You hear me Alex. I love Chuck!

Andy Richter To Return To Conan

2009-02-25T11:54:00.002-05:00

Conan has been a part of my life since late middle school, early high school. I went to NYC to go see him, the whole kabang. It's very upsetting to me that he will no longer be in New York and is transferring over to LA. But there is one huge, huge, huge plus. Andy Richter is back as the announcer. I have no idea what happened to the old creepy guy that used to announce but I can only assume he is dead. Andy Richter was what really made Conan for me though and then the dumb ass went and tried a television and movie career which didn't pan out for the best. So i am thankful he is returning. And here is why.

Oh and while searching for clips i came across this little gem from when i was in tenth grade. It's Conan shopping around for apartments for one of the writers with a realtor. the key quote is
Writer-"I think I could live a very happy life here."
Realtor-"Let's go inside and have a look first..."

Chuck Close / Kate Moss

2009-02-24T10:01:00.002-05:00

I woke up late for work. I have a hang over. My car was missing. I saw this picture and decided that two things I really want in life are unlimited access to a 20x24 polaroid camera and Kate Moss' cunt.

Blackout at Sunrise

2009-02-22T12:50:00.003-05:00

Cursed - Blackout at Sunrise EP

This morning I decided it was really important to alphabetize my records and I rediscovered this gem.

Despite having this on again off again obsession with Cursed since I was like 16 I hadn't listened to this ep in a while. The title track as well as the rest of the record is fairly brooding. There is a liner note saying "the song "Hawaii" was originally written as a black magic incantation by Winnipeg band Kittens." Shit is straight evil.

If you like heavier doom influenced punk/hardcore Cursed is a must.

.

2009-02-22T10:55:00.001-05:00

SCRATCH AND SCRAPE THIS HEAVENLY BODY

2009-02-20T12:42:00.004-05:00

I'm more than positive that NO band will ever be this fucking cool. Seriously. Watch this.

Alex I'm looking at you. Through the interwebs. Leather cowboy outfit.

Gun O'Clock

2009-02-20T10:00:00.003-05:00

From engrishfunny.com

My father turned me onto this website a while back, and I check it from time to time, mainly when I feel like I'm running out of internet, and I have nothing better to do.

But this fucking alarm clock, holy fuck. I want it so badly I could just fucking taste it. I think it's the weird split personality anime guy that does it for me. By day he's happy go lucky, and then..."Good Night!" The alarm goes off and all of a sudden he's a fucking psychopath hell bent on shooting his alarm clock like twelve fucking times. "It's COOL!"

...and I always wear an Oxford cloth shirt to sleep.

Kill yourself...and your family

2009-02-19T13:09:00.003-05:00

I know the subtitles aren't in english but really all it is, "No." smash. little girl yelling "no, let me go." father saying "sorry."

Done.

I've had this recent obsession with Michael Haneke and I must say that for making such miserably depressing fucking movies he seems like a really sweet and well adjusted guy.

This is from the Seventh Continent. It was his first feature length film. It follows a family's life on a few days in three years. Eventually they destroy all their possessions and "move to Australia."

Seth MacFarlane isn't Funny

2009-02-18T15:10:00.003-05:00

I'm not one of those militant anti-Family Guy people. I don't particularly find the show funny, but that's probably because the animated sitcom as we know it died with the creation of South Park, and all attempts at comedic animation after that have been held to a measuring stick a mile high, and unfortunately, there's never again going to be a show with wholesome values like The Simpsons, and popular appeal.

That didn't stop Seth MacFarlane from trying, though and he failed.

When I saw this video on YouTube today, I slapped my forehead. Seth MacFarlane is animating 15 year old jokes, and slapping a commercial on the front, why the fuck didn't I think of that. I was pissed, on one hand, because it's a dumb old joke. Yes, we get it, Dylan's got a funny voice, Waits' has got a gravely one, and Popeye speaks with inaudible chuckles most of the time. I was just about to close the window, when Muhamed Ali comes out. That takes balls. It takes balls for MacFarlane to make fun of the greatest boxer who ever lived for getting Parkinson's, and it takes balls down at the offices at Priceline's marketing department. Someone down there actually approved an ad that makes fun of a man with of a debilitating brain disorder who is dying, because he has a debilitating brain disorder and is dying.

Bravo, Seth MacFarlane and Priceline. You are cool in my book.

yeeeerrrpppp dope out!

2009-02-17T14:15:00.005-05:00

Clipse - Hell Hath No Fury

This isn't a music blog so normally I don't have to tell you that these music uploads are for evaluation purposes and that you should listen to said record then immediately delete it and go purchase the album. In the case of Clipse's 2006 sophomore effort, Hell Hath No Fury, I am going to tell you the opposite. DON'T buy this record. Pusha, Malice, Re Up, they don't need your money. Dudes are skiing on mountains of white gold and could give a shit less if you spend $13.99 on their devastatingly awesome record. Ready to Die, Illmatic, Hell Hath No Fury. That is basically all you need to know when it comes to rap music. This is a criminally underrated album.

Here's the deal. Go to the needle exchange on Girard ave. and get yourself some clean works. Go north towards Kensington and look for groups of young minority men standing on corners. When they see you being all white and out of place they'll yell "Yerp, dope out." Ask if they got powder. Spend that $15 you saved from not buying Hell Hath No Fury on a bag of dope and bag of blow. Get in your car. Put on Hell Hath No Fury. Mix that shit and boot it. Peace the fuck out.

Geek-out

2009-02-17T14:00:00.003-05:00

So I'm known to geek out on drummers every now and then, and this guy has been my go-to drummer for as long as I remember paying attention to funk/jazz/fusion music.

Just fucking watch the sweat pouring off Billy Cobham.

Update?

2009-02-16T21:24:00.003-05:00

I wanted to make a quick note about the lack of posting as of late. I know it has come to the "Kevin and Alex are fucking dorks and make posts about the most boring shit in the world that is only exciting to them and a small percentage of socially awkward young men show." The reason 3/5ths of the contributors to this blog have been a little slack in the posting department is because they blog from their place of employment and the man put his foot down a week or so ago and insisted they eat fag on their own time.

So, instead of like twenty posts a day expect a few a week.

SHIT IS GETTING HEAVY

2009-02-16T15:12:00.004-05:00

Fight Amp - Hungry for Nothing

I have a really bad head cold and possibly upper respiratory infection so I'm just going to sit inside all day and think about how fucking heavy this record is. Fight Amp are out of south jersey and all though I don't personally know them I can say they love drugs and don't shower. As a kid I had played a couple shows with the first line up and they totally fucking sucked so I was really hesitant to listen to their recent releases through Translation Loss. Hungry for Nothing is possibly the most brutal thing to come out of the southern New Jersey area is recent memory. Its as if the The Jesus Lizard's rhythm section started a grungy hardcore band and hated themselves.

If you like heavy music this is a must.

Also, go BUY the record.

Ah, yeah.

2009-02-15T01:41:00.000-05:00

Jean-Léon Gérôme

2009-02-14T11:02:00.003-05:00

I went to a Hookah bar last night with a bunch of people, but that's not important. What is important is that when I started writing the article making fun of the really weird people that I saw there, I found this painting, and...well, someone should get it for me. Please?

Little Pieces of Shit

2009-02-11T17:35:00.005-05:00

I just wanted everyone to know that I have never hated an animal more in my life than I hate this horrid fucking beast.

Lumiere

2009-02-11T17:00:00.002-05:00

Haven't pulled out the short films dvd is awhile but today is just one of those days when you kinda need to watch some wacky shit. Man, fuck alex's life.

Fuck My Life: The Musical!

2009-02-11T14:57:00.003-05:00

Today, after having probably the shittiest morning in the recent history of mornings, I was turned on to a great new website.

It makes me feel much better.

FMyLife.com

Highlights:

"Today, I received a random packet of papers in the mail by the state suing me for child support. I am 22 and still a virgin. FML"

"Today, I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. FML"

It's all about perspective.

Some Anti-Smoking ads from India

2009-02-10T14:59:00.003-05:00

Outside of the fact that these are fairly clever and the "bistro" one looks really cool I don't really give a shit about not smoking. When we were teens it was, "Oh, I'll quit when I'm twenty." Now it's "Oh, I'll quit when I have kids and/or marry." Me? Fuck that, I'm taking my cough, ashy skin, and smelly clothes to the fucking grave.

Molest

2009-02-10T10:32:00.003-05:00

So this is more proof that I am getting old and mellowing out. It's not that I don't find this video funny, because I do. On a conceptual level, I'd assume the marketing agency that came up with this idea got the exact reaction out of me that they wanted, but at some point there's a disconnect. I know people who were victims of childhood abuse, and I'm pretty sure they would laugh at this, and I also know some suburban soccer moms who would flip their lids at this, while having absolutely no empathic experience.

But the disconnect lies in the fact that I think someone who's sick enough to possibly molest a child would find this hilarious. I mean, just like stupid babies and idiot little kids who believe in Santa Claus and The Toothfairy, even though all logical signs point to the contrary. A child molester, who, by the way, would be typically outclassed by stupid babies and idiot little kids, doesn't need an excuse for their behavior.

Especially one as fucking hilarious as this.

Mr.Chapin

2009-02-10T08:54:00.003-05:00

I'm in the process of writing a horror short with a murder scene set to Harry Chapin's "Dance Band On The Titantic". I bet know even knows what that means. Harry Chapin is a folk singer who's songs told wonderful stories and probably never for one second would ever be thought of as good use in a horrific murder scene. His life was cut short when he had a heart attack while driving his gremlin on a highway. The heart attack wasn't what killed him though, it merely caused him to hit the brakes on his car which left no time for the tractor trailer behind to stop from barreling into him and then transforming his car into a flaming inferno. Oh. and on top of all of that, he was driving on a revoked license. Yes.

Vincent Gallo Killing Glassjaw - Oldie..But Goodie

2009-02-10T08:49:00.002-05:00

The murders are of course at the end of the video. I really enjoy the drummer trying to escape and getting shot in the back mid stride.

Where's Your Fuckin' Decency

2009-02-10T08:36:00.001-05:00

I have said it once. And I'll say it again. I'm not gay, but i'd totally let Paul Thomas Anderson fill my mouth up.

Funny Games (U.S.)

2009-02-09T16:05:00.005-05:00

Last night I think I lost my shit. I watched the original 1997 Funny Games followed by the 2008 U.S. remake then Cache (Hidden). I'm really starting to think I may be completely in love with Michael Haneke. If you're into fairly slow moving films with heavy themes of guilt, fidelity, sexuality, violence, consumerism, etc., then I highly recommend the films of Michael Haneke. Mother fucker can shoot a movie.

Also, Michael Haneke never seems to use music in his films unless it is actually happening in the event. There are like two scenes in Funny Games, the one above with this ridiculous John Zorn song (whats up drewwwww) and the opening of the movie as the family drives to their vacation home and try to guess which cd is put on.

Starting points:
- The Piano Teacher
- Cache (hidden)
- Funny Games (U.S. or original. Both are literally the same. I kinda prefer the German version as I'm not familiar with the actors and I'm not sitting there thinking, "Oh god, Naomi Watts is so fucking hot when she's half naked and crying.")

i am the king

2009-02-09T03:09:00.002-05:00

Kids with Guns

2009-02-07T08:25:00.004-05:00

As I get older, and my conscience develops a bit more, I find stuff like this less funny, and more concerning.

I'm not saying it's not funny to see a kid doped up on pain killers and probably general or local anaesthesia, because that is hilarious. This kid is bonked out of his mind, and saying really funny things. ("Is this real life?", Yes David, and it's going to continue to suck until you find more of the weird gas that the doctor let you smell...) As I get older, what bothers me more is the periphery. Why doesn't his dad seem to be concerned? Why's he goading him on? Why's a six or seven year old getting oral surgery?

Here's a little test to see if you're getting old, like me.

1. You just watched Knocked Up, starring Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl, produced by Judd Appatow. Which of these most closely resembles your current state:

A: That was fucking hilarious, and we're out of pot.
B: Oh my god, my sides hurt, that Jonah Hill is going to be the next Sam Kinnison/Chris Farley
C: That was cute, I bet Seth Rogen would make a great dad.

2. Your room mates are going out to the bar, because it's someone's birthday, unfortunately it's a work night, and you've got a long day ahead of you. You say,

A: "Let's get going, I've got some getting fucked up to do."
B: "If you buy the first round, I'll come, but only for a while"
C: "Goodnight, kids."

3. The dishes are piling up, the fridge is leaking some kind of vile liquid, the bathroom hasn't been cleaned, in earnest, since August, you've got at least four loads of laundry to do, you can't find your garbage can under the pile of trash next to your desk and you've got an afternoon off you...

A: Watch all three Back to the Future movies and then probably Ghost Busters 1 & 2
B: Watch all three Jurasic Park movies while getting less then half of your chores done, and still feel accomplished
C: Begrudgingly do all of your work, and then snap on the next person you see.

4. You just woke up on a work day. It's 6:50, you've got to be out of the house by 7:50. You:

A: Surf porn on the internet, watch a YouTube video, leave at 7:49 and still get to work 15 minutes late.
B: Check your email, brush your teeth and leave with almost enough time to stop and get a fast food breakfast on the way to work. You're still five minutes late.
C: Take a shower, brush your teeth, eat a bowl of cereal, take a mulit-vitamin, and surf internet porn.

5. You have $40.00 in your wallet, you're starving. You...

A: Get Chinese take out - $10. Four nights in a row.
B: Get a pizza delivered - $20. Feed yourself for dinner, and breakfast and lunch the next day.
C: Go to the grocery store, spend $38 dollars on groceries, feed yourself for a week, even though that means eating boring microwave soup for dinner four nights in a row

An A answer is 1 point, a B answer is 3 points, a C is 5 points.

1-8 Points: Did you graduate high school? Or were they just sick of looking at you. Now would not be a good time to start a family or try to get a job, I mean, unless you like being laughed at a failing.
9-17 Points: Your parents are so proud of you, unfortunately everyone else couldn't give a shit.
18-25 Points: Your life is over, you suck, and you're boring. Start buying stock in Centrum Silver, old man/woman.

So yeah, life, in general, no matter how youthfully carefree or mature and actualized, is kind of a bum deal.

No Jokes, No Puns, Coke is EVIL!

2009-02-06T09:42:00.005-05:00

Translation: "Enemy of the Mind"

Apparently, Russia hates Coca-Cola so much, that someone has taken it upon themselves to release an Anti-Coke propaganda 12 month calendar. (via English Russia)

Now, I consider myself to have a pretty good mind for politics, and to that end, I think I've got a good perspective on the business world, and it's intricate and subtle idiosyncrasies. My limited knowledge of Russia and it's systems notwithstanding, I'd assume it's a bit harder to get something published in Russia than it is here; I'd assume there's a level of government scrutiny involved.

Basically, what I'm getting at is such; how many people in a chain of artists, editors, managers, and political watch men can you find who see absolutely nothing wrong with this:

Translation: "Obey!"

But I mean, beyond all the strangeness involved, the art work is pretty fantastic, but then again, I'm a sucker for illustration.

Update: I just contacted my source for all things Russian. Apparently, everyone in Russia drinks Coke. Strange. I hope I'm not uprooting some serious political scandal meant to usher Western values and products out of Russia, starting with soft drinks. If I disappear, I'll be sure to send post cards from the Gulag.

Lux Interior is in heaven.

2009-02-05T16:44:00.003-05:00

And in heaven, he will be able to do bodily harm to as many pretty young women as he can handle.

That's a damn shame.

Lux Interior Oct. 21, 1946 - Feb. 4, 2009. RIP.

To quote kevin, "FUCK MY LIFE."

2009-02-05T14:52:00.002-05:00

Cute Things Falling Asleep

I can't stop staring at baby animals falling asleep.

I feel like if this carries on, I might just fucking puke up a bunny rabbit wearing a bow tie...and it will play checkers...with a cartoon squirell.

I'm getting a fucking Chinchilla, just so I can watch it sleep.

Alison Brady

2009-02-03T14:10:00.006-05:00

Came across Alison Brady's photography today and was mightily impressed. She currently has a solo show at Massimo Audiello until Feb. 28th. Would anyone like to go with me?

Dance Floor Dale

2009-02-02T20:55:00.003-05:00

Dance Floor Dale directed by Tim Wareheim of the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

Found this over at Film Drunk briefly before my mind caved the fuck in.

Songs About Fucking

2009-02-02T14:08:00.002-05:00

Big Black - Songs About Fucking

You should probably download this.

Steve Albini makes my dick hard.

2012

2009-02-02T13:29:00.002-05:00

http://www.instituteforhumancontinuity.org

This website rules. It's obvious that it's for a movie or a TV show but it still seemed pretty air tight. The only indication that a movie is involved is the privacy policy link leads you to sony pictures website.

Float around the site, it's pretty creepy.

2009-02-02T12:17:00.001-05:00

I made this video. At work. On the clock. I've never made a video before.

I love you all.

2009-02-02T01:43:00.003-05:00

This video brings up a few good topics for discussion. For one, who but himself declared Will I Am the voice of our generation? I'm not just trying to be polite when I say that I do, on some level, like and respect Will I Am. He seems like a pretty decent guy trying his hardest to spark some sort of generational unification. While I can't say I like the Black Eyed Peas at all, nor do I like the countless, overbearingly sentimental, and obvious attempts at creating rallying cry songs (not "Let's Get Retarded") like the sixty plus songs he wrote for every stage of Barack Obama's road to presidency, I think his heart is in the right place. I do, however, think it's a stretch to compare him to Dylan.
I'm not one of those sore assholes who constantly compares and criticizes my generation for not being the baby-boomers. Frankly, I'm sick of the comparison and sick of the watered down and incredibly safe versions of trends from decades past seeping into current pop culture. But, it's just that Bob Dylan really is beyond comparison.
And why is the Dylan comparison so coveted anyway? He wrote a few really cool protest songs, then two or three great rock albums (Highway 61 Revisited is, in my opinion, the best American rock album ever made), but beyond that, he's made a more bad records then good ones and he's notoriously an asshole. Not that there's anything wrong with that, that's what's so cool about him, but at the same time I'm not sure why our generation needs a Dylan. And if our generation had a Dylan what would he say?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't understand why the baby-boomers are so self-aggrandizing. Especially considering that they are the first American generation to leave the country in worse shape than before. And I'm also not sure why our generation welcomes, identifies, and perpetuates the comparison.

Just like it was yesterday...

2009-02-02T01:38:00.001-05:00

Ryan Gosling Is Fucking Crazy.

2009-02-01T17:56:00.003-05:00

Ryan Gosling has started a Band. They're called Dead Man Bones. It doesn't sound like him. It's fucking awesome.

PSA From Benjammin' Affleck

2009-02-01T12:50:00.001-05:00

Nic Cage Clip of the week#2(Kinda Late But I Do What I Want)

2009-01-31T20:25:00.002-05:00

Instead of clips from movies, we're going to focus on something far more important. Japanese Commercials. I'm sure some of you have seen these. I'm sure some of you haven't. None of these need any explanation.

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5 And of course. The best one for last.

I don't need to say anything about this.

2009-01-29T19:55:00.000-05:00

Either/Or: #1

2009-01-29T12:14:00.009-05:00

The subject of todays post, and indeed the man who sparked the entire idea for Either/Or is Ulrich Haarbürste; a man who appears to be someones alter ego, but I'm having a hard time figuring out to whom he's sprung from. Apparently, he's fooled some newspapers and zines into believing that he's a real person, but I refuse to believe anyone, even a lousy kraut would have a last name that would translate roughly to hairbrush.

None the less, Haarbürste's simple website knocks you for a loop within the first two sentences of content;

Hello and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarbürste, and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped in cling-film.

His stories are dream-like encounters between Haarbürste, his pet terrapin named Jetta, and Roy Orbison and an inordinate amount of cling-wrap that, through a set of means ranging from moderately irrational to ragingly psychotic, finds itself applied en mass to Orbison's body.

Every character Haarbürste writes about reminds me of Mike Myers' Sprockets persona, Dieter, only they are exceptionally emotionless and rational.

The long and short is that you can only truly get a handle on this phenomena by reading a couple of the stories. Of course, I'd recommend all of them, but it's really not necessary.

So I'm forced to leave it up to you. Is the man behind Ulrich Haarbürste a genius, or batshit insane?

Either/Or: An Explaination

2009-01-29T11:12:00.008-05:00

Unlike my cohort, Clownbaby, I will not start a 'weekly feature' that I have no plans to continue. Because when you promise a new Nicolas Cage clip every week, some people like me start to salivate, and it's just not nice to make them wait. And boy am I waiting...

That's why I'm not going to call this a weekly feature. I'm just gonna go ahead and say that any time I find a prime example, I will post it under the Either/Or subject.

When you get down to the meat and potatoes, using either/or statements is a way to trap someone falsly into a strict set of options; either it sucks or it's awesome, she's hot or ugly, he's a bro or he's lame, obviously there's a continuum of emotions that fall between those designations, but you haven't been given the chance to develop those distinctions, because, well, either you'd bang her or you wouldn't.

So with my Either/Or, I'd like to take a hotly contested determination, one that has been outlined in just under a thousand complex pages which to this day remains a controversially stratified topic, and I'd like to break it down into two breathtakingly simple choices: crazy or genius?

It's not new or dificult concept; that highly intelligent and creative people tend to stand on a precipice overlooking a canyon of intense insanity or other emotional anguish. Off the top of my head, I come up with Kurt Cobain, Brian Wilson, Syd Barret, and the guy who invented that awesome flying car from the Discovery Channel

Fucking Awesome...

I won't outwardly make a determination as to how I feel each topic scores on the crazy/not crazy scale, but I'm sure you'll be able to figure out exactly what camp I've parked my flag in after reading each entry.

Sexual Dependency

2009-01-28T18:32:00.003-05:00

this was kind of my day. It snowed. I listened to a lot of shitty music. I looked at a lot of Nan Goldin photos.

I WILL NOT BE OUT BLOGGED!

2009-01-27T16:48:00.003-05:00

I have found what the rest of my life will revolve around from here on out.

I need to be the operator of this machine. I see it going something like this: I apply for an entry level position at this company, perhaps sweeping up the remains of pianos or some such nonsense, and get myself into the good graces of the owner, and then when I'm thoroughly ingratiated there, I will tell the boss that I wouldn't mind locking up, you know? I'd grin a friendly grin and say something like, "hey Tom, I bet your kids miss you, why don't you surprise them and the Misses by going home early, and taking them out to The Sizzler?"

...at which point Tom would chuckle and toss a ring of keys to me and say something like, "You sure you can handle it? Just make sure you shut out the lights and turn off the shredder."

We'd both laugh and Tom would leave for a wonderful evening with his wife and kids, and that's when the hyjinx would begin. I'd start by stalking all the people who made fun of me in high school. I'd rig up a pulley system so I could slowly and painstakingly lower them into the shredder, followed immediately by the bill collectors who seem to always want to call me while I'm masturbating, it'd be somewhere around that point that I'd lose all interest in poetic vindication, and just start abducting random people off the street and tossing them in. Then I'd unceremoniously lower myself into the vat, much like the end of Terminator, and say goodbye to the cruel world that was so torturous to me.

I'd probably leave a note for Tom, telling him he was the only who ever put faith in me and that I'll see him in Hell.

No. Wire. Hangers.

2009-01-27T14:43:00.002-05:00

I watched Mommie Dearest for the first time as an adult yesterday. Last time I watched it I was 6 or 7 years old and the only scene burned into my memory is the wire hanger scene. It used to give me nightmares because Faye Dunnaway looked like a fucking monster. Well the scene is just as scary now as it was then. Fuck. This scene is fucked up. They totally stole the Joker's look from this scene. On top of this, what they don't show you is that her brother gets out bed at the end of the scene and he's been strapped to the bed the whole time. And if i cut this clip i would've ended on the girl looking around and simply going "Jesus...Christ". Joan Crawford was a nut. Straight up silly. The clip is over nine minutes long. Watch it all. Every single second. Even tho the guy who cut this clip made it in slow motion it's still fucked.

Here we have her beating the shit out of here daughter. 2:32 MARK.

Here we have her asking her child for an ax at 3 in the morning so she can begin screaming and chopping down her rose tree.

And here is a music video of clips of the movie set to "I'm a bitch" Enjoi.

FUCK MY LIFE, ALEX.

2009-01-27T14:23:00.005-05:00

just lost too much of my life. As of late I've been obsessed with looking at movie stills out of context and Alex's previous post has just ruined me.

2009-01-27T10:19:00.003-05:00

A while back, when I was starting to get more and more into Stanley Kubrick as a director, I found a blog that someone wrote that pretty much helped me realize how to not be an obsessive fan. But seriously...if you've got an hour or two and feel like delving into the psyche of a seriously obsessed and deranged person, please read it.

And if someone wouldn't mind drawing this as a tattoo flash so I can get that shit done, I'd appreciate it. All I want is the key tag, the key and the door knob, so don't go crazy, but make it look sexy, alright? Thanks.

Shit I've Been Listening To

2009-01-26T21:07:00.008-05:00

Towards the end of every month I'm going to start posting the albums iTunes tells me I play the most in no particular order. Here goes...

links will open in a new tab or window depending on your preferences.

Ampere - The First Five Years (Featuring Will Killingsworth of Orchid and Bucket Full of Teeth. Some nice DIY punkish hardcore.)

Cursed - Two (I heard their first record when I was around 16/17 years old and since then have consistently been saying, "This shit is so fucking heavy" with every release.)

Joy Division - Closer (in the last two or three years this album has forcefully made it's way to my top five of all time. Fuck you, I am a depressing person.)

Young Widows - Old Wounds (Everyone from Breather Resist minus the singer. Probably my favorite release of 2008. If you like The Jesus Lizard...)

Pusher - S/T (Steve Sindoni of Breather Resist fronts this short lived awesomeness with members of Lords and Coliseum.)

jerk job hand off

2009-01-24T13:34:00.001-05:00

I only really like this because that dude looks like Chris Klein.

so, who is up for jerk-jobs in a car later?

This is the news.

2009-01-24T11:17:00.000-05:00

I'm done with NPR, CNBC's got my undying support.

One day, we'll all be assassinated.

2009-01-23T10:18:00.003-05:00

I love John Lennon.

This song is called This Boy, if you weren't aware. It was written by John Lennon in the style of Smokey Robinson's Motown Doo-wop sound, and was released as the B-Side to I Want to Hold Your Hand and was also rearranged by Geore Martin for use in the movie Help! Bar-none, it's one of my top five favorite Bealtes songs, for three reasons; the harmonies are impecable, the guitar progression is deceptively simple, and the lyrics are the first step down a road that would lead John Lennon to write songs that are chauvanistic.

I know that later in life, Lennon would become an activist for peace and understanding, but have you ever heard Run For You Life? Getting Better? True, Getting Better is claimed as a McCartney song, but Wikipedia says that Lennon wrote the lyric I used to be cruel to my woman/I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved. I'm just saying, that's one bad ass dude.

Olga!

2009-01-22T17:54:00.001-05:00

Olga Kurylenko's tits are really pleasant to look at.

THE END OF TIMES IS NEAR

2009-01-22T17:48:00.002-05:00

Dildo Bike

2009-01-22T01:40:00.001-05:00

Watch from 5:15 - 8:09 as this girls rides the dildo bike to a nasty orgy.

Okay, enough with politics.

2009-01-21T10:43:00.001-05:00

I didn't want you guys to think I went soft, so I Google Image Searched 'fake boobs' and this was the first listing.

A momentus occasion.

2009-01-20T14:12:00.003-05:00

I am aware that up until now this blog has been more about titties, dicks, fags and movies, but today something important happened, and I'd just like to say a short piece about it.

Today, a man who knew little of his father, lost his mother at an early age, and was raised in an environment where judgement was passed on him at every opportunity was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America. A man who had odds stacked against him based solely on race used every facility available to him, including some which were previously considered a hindrance, to lift himself to the highest echelons of power in the most powerful government that human society has known.

A group of people, one that grew on a daily basis for the last seven or so years, became increasingly bitter about a political system that seemed to have failed them. I admit that I was part of this group. It was the only way that we could remain sane in a world that was becoming more alien to us by the day. We watched the news every day for a glimmer of hope, even a hint of a possible light at the end of the tunnel that took too long to come. I personally apologize for being a part of a great divide in our nation, but I do not apologize for what that divide layed the ground work for, because as he disappears in my rear view mirror, I realize that George W. Bush was not damaging because of his incompetence; one might even make the argument that as his tenure in the White House matured, he became less paralyzingly incompetent. As he matured, we came to see that it was more so his irresponsibility that caused the brunt of the detriment caused by his Presidency.

But today there's a reason to look upon tomorrow without assurance that it be more dismal than today; we can rest our troubles on the shoulders of a man who has promised to provide much needed relief to those of us who really need to be relieved. He's sworn solemnly to provide The United States of America with a future that no longer manifests itself as a less desirable version of today, and for that I am grateful.

I can't help but notice how easy my smile comes today. While this day can be considered a victory for many groups, it is more so a victory for all of us as individuals, even those of us who have yet to understand just what has transpired. We have tumbled out of this brawl with a frightening opponent bruised but victorious, and for that, I thank you, Barack Hussein Obama.

My Chanel is Ruined

2009-01-19T17:47:00.002-05:00